Dawning-II

It has been a long while since I've sat and wrote, and the little publish button in the corner, still makes me feel happy- the task accomplished feeling. You need that sometimes. You fail at work, you fail at emotions (with those stupid hang ups that you already have) and you still need to wake up tomorrow with that smile and go to work again, to fail again. But is that the right attitude to carry along with? Definitly not. Easier said than done though.

All this while when I wasnt writing, i was having an experience, with myself. total solace and no infringement whatsoever. And in the process of making myself a stronger individual who doesnt need support, I came across a thought that made so much sense. "Asking for help doesnt mean you have failed at something, but it means that you want to include someone else in your plans with you"  and there you go. All the while I thought i was being independent, all I was doing was making myself more withdrawn. and that was definitly not my idea. Figured out ways, sorted myself out, but, there was a gap. In professional terms, an RCA was needed, very badly. I had become a person who doesnt want to go out of her shell by herself. She would expand her horizons and live her life and do things she wants to, but without anyone. one is lonely, 2 is company, and why would you say no to good company?

In my endeavor to find a life partner for myself, I happened to meet a rather interesting man, much like me, and unlike me at other levels. Making good friends is never a bad thing, but it leaves you again with a sense of discontent that what is wrong, where am i going wrong? and he said too, one cant just keep making friends right? you should find someone worthy to share your life with(rephrased :p) and that brought me down to the thought of what I actually want from the life partner. and yes, it didnt take me long and I am so proud of myself. and its very simple.


:)

Smog, Noise, and Tones of Grey

It usually seems the same to me, every morning, except that today was a little more noisier than other mornings. "For you alone, my soul waits in silence.." and even though they are just googled words from a "broken heart", it does make sense a lot of times. It is not about YOU in particular, the very idea of a wait is just so subjective. I cannot help but make myself delve into the thoughts of the necessity of things, or people to be around.

And then came the usual eureka point of my life. Where imagination met idealism and converged into realism to give me a clear picture of the nature of subjectivity of necessity. Keeping my own actions and thoughts as a yardstick, I realized that the sort of people like US, actually fear of the necessities that life alarmingly gives us almost always. Call it being blessed or cursed, it always does leave a tweak in the mind.

As i proceeded into the day for the Diwali celebrations (the root to all the noise in the morning!), I was invited over to a friend's place for the puja. As I walked into their house, I was greeted by the frolic and licks of their 6month old Boxer Scotty, who has always been one of the major reasons I visit them. Even though the welcome was as warm as it could have got back home as well, I was scared, scared to impinge upon a family celebration.

Diwali had never been a rambunctious affair for us, yet, it has always been a family thing. Mom, dad and the little me, tracing fuljhadis in the air, and lighting charkas on the ground, always excited, with eyes sparkling brighter than all the lights of the city combined.

That night, I was dimly aware- or even retrospective- that my fuljhadi ritual was broken today for the first time. And nobody seemed to notice it except me. My colorful, sparkling, ephemeral and inconsequential sparklers just dimmed into the bonfire and had it not been for all my closest friends enjoying the day this year never like before, I would have even dismissed these thoughts outright the very minute it arrived.

But of course, had it been a few years later, I would have already outgrown Diwali celebrations. Just have to settle down with the fact that, like always, the few years later for everyone, has decided to come to me a few years earlier already.

Peace.

Not knowing what next!

It was a rather supernaturally extravagant 2 days spent in a very strange environment and among even stranger people (I call them strange in this context because it was an unabashed projection of their iniquitous side, which I had not come across since the last 6 years of knowing them).

Let me put this across as a fairy tale with a happy ending, to make things sound a little better and happy than they actually had been.

Once upon a time, in lalaland, there were 4 best friends. They had lived through all the ravages nature could wash on them and today, they have emerged proud citizens of lalaland with the help of their friendship and love for each other.

One sunny morning, two of the four of them decided to go to a place called Brigadoon and Drigadoon for their studies. With each passing day, their friendship became weaker and weaker, until one day, they could take no more and they came back.

The other two, overjoyed with their best friends' return, organized a "going global" party for them. There were neuro-pops from all over the world, from Cuba, to Russia, America and a little bit of India. The day and night passed in merriment together and at midnight, they decided to continue their jabberwocky the next morning. Hardly did they know what the morning had in store for them, for the witch in them had brewed a concoction to bring out the evil in them, already.

The early hours passed uneventfully. But while one of them was high on neuro pops, agony witch jumped into him and brought out the darkest and deepest of malefic notions in him. He jumped onto his other friend and pinned him against the wall, threatening him for life. He went back again and shouted at the other friend, who was taken aback to even react to such a sight. After this brain wacking incident, things seemed to calm down, when the other agony witch had attacked the other friend, and he was not sure of what to say, a storehouse of vocabulary otherwise.

She was shocked to see how her two best friends have changed over the years, and become people she never wanted to come across in her life ever. And the other friend, was taken aback at the whole episode.

In the end, they walked out of the house, and she decided to never be among them when they want a trip away from lalaland. She had had enough of it.

Moral of the story : The doors we open and close everyday, decide the lives we live.

Snap out!
Aah. I'm neither stoned, nor am I high on anything unsubstantial and unnecessary to my body. (I admit, I was , a couple of hours back, or maybe more, actually.) never mind.

I had decided to spend a really good time with my friends, because we get to meet like, once a year, and the rest of the time, we are fighting (thats how its been forever!)
But what I witnessed, and what I figured, was way more than I had asked for, even with an experience with near neurosis patients. Maybe I had thought they'd never grow up. Maybe I'd thought they would be exactly at the spot X where I had left them, and maybe, I was wrong.

Events I would never forget, not that I dont want to, and people, above all, who have formed an integral part of my growing up years, and they still are. Among them, my first love, and my first madcap of a friend! And I saw them lost today. The distance, the time, the spaces, everything had just vanished overnight and I feel completely at a loss, wondering over and over if I would ever get them back! I am still in a state of shock, as and when it keeps replaying in my mind. I maybe over reacting, but that's how I am, and they know it too. Which is why towards the end of the day, we still parted with a hug and a smile.

I take time, first of all, to know where and among whom I REALLY belong, in the true sense. And when I've happily figured it out, things change, times change, and people change. They changed too. So now its actually going to take me a while to come to terms with the NEW them! Figure them out, and then decide if I still belong there or not. But either way, I cannot abandon them at this stage at any cost. So I have decided to keep myself away from them, on the personal level, I mean, and just be there for them as their old friend (changing my name from Debo to Debbie doesnt make me a different person at all!, Its for culture pronunciation sake that Ive had to live with this now since the last 2 years!)

They have crisis, change, mixed emotions (for one regarding me!, boys, I tell you!) :p so all they need now is a GOOD FRIEND. They can be ridiculously scary sometimes, but amazingly sweet too. And since there's this little devil inside me waiting to rise in the moment, I shall take it up as a challenge in me, to understand a little more about the human psyche, and pretend I know nothing at all. (i loved the look on my friend's face who thought I didn't understand the depth of his concept while his little devil recognized the devil in me by the second time she showed up!) and somewhere, I was proud of myself. I can handle good vs evil, maybe not well already, but enough to look them in the eye and say I AM NOT AFRAID. And that is something I really needed at this point in my life, when I seemed to have lost all respect and love for my own self.

I thank my aura and my guiding spirits for helping me embark on this journey, and most importantly being there with me, in weird and unexpected times like these!

Peace!
:)

Of a concept!

Today was quite an eventful day I must say. Hadn't planned and it turned out so well.

I didn't do anything extraordinary. Met a friend for a movie (who said I'd get a cookie and a hug if I am on time!) but thanks to the laziness of calcutta during the summers, I waited for a bus for more than half an hour and finally gave up to take a cab till South City Mall from my place (which is like 8kms) and cursed the system under my breath throughout the ride.

But when you come across people who think the way you do, who dont pretend to be nice to you when they dont want to, and vice versa of course, AND when you have the privilege to be in an air conditioned mall for 4hours, things tend to get a little better gradually.

And what better way than to start off with receiving a compliment?! :) *blushes* from a guy who is as close to being the stud macha! :p
Followed by a movie which was a pure entertainer and also made me think of the various forms in which this stupid and fucktard of an emotion LOve can take over people's lives. Be it the Bollywood way, the Hollywood way, the Nicholas sparks way, or MY way. It does happen and happens to a lot of people. And I have decided to leave the definition as an open ended one for everyone to add on to their experiences about the how to/not to of love.

Meanwhile, listen to this song from Ishaqzade. I think its a beautiful number, and I had planned to sing it for my love and give it to him on our anniversary, but well, wont really work out anymore. This song burns me from the inside at times, when Im missing him too much, and at other times, it just makes me feel how much I have loved and still love, even though there is absolutely zero convenience for me in there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5TRnHHQ57U&feature=related

As beautiful the music, such are the lyrics.

Enjoy it.
And I shall enjoy the feeling :)

Peace
:)

Irony!

Why do we always crave for things that we don't have and not want things that we already have?

A very very common question we ask ourselves almost always, especially, when we don't get something we crave for in the next, say, half an hour!

Atleast I do!

Present cravings : To go to the gateway and have chai and vada pav, looking over the sea
                            Teleport myself to Peecos for a chilled beer and mince tacos (they are absolutely delicious!)
                            Take a ride on the airport road on my friend's r15, who he calls his Shakuntala!
                            And end it with a DBC from Corner House!

And since I can have none of the above, I am satisfying myself by looking at the old pictures I have of them.

And a lot of missing is happening.

You only realize the worth of a place, someone or something, ONLY when you are physically distant from them. Cliched. But true.

This is going to be hard.

PS. Pics when my internet connection is better!

Peace! (hope!)

:)

Confessions of a dangerous mind!

Wondering what exactly a dangerous mind would be up to right now, and also assessing my own thoughts in the process, whether they can be called dangerous enough to suit or not.

But well, judging my own abilities, I think imagining a person nailed to the wall, and getting them whipped till they turn blue, is dangerous enough, at least for me. A few days ago I was bent on deciding if a person deserved judgement on earth itself or should I wait for the heavens to act, and, not knowing or figuring how my life has changed over the last 4 weeks, I come up with a better thought almost every other day, and smile to myself saying, "I'm on the right path", and I don't need someone else to reassure me, anymore.

I have been making quite a few new friends, and I don't yet know whether they will stay for life or not, nobody can tell, actually, but I do know the fact that they have made a certain degree of difference to my life, and in my thoughts and I truly thank them for putting me at it. A few classmates, a colleague (if I daresay, a senior, nonetheless ), an old crush, who I absolutely respect for the man he is today, and of course, the spiritual masters who have guided me all along.

The above mentioned, have actually made an effort to bring me out of a dilemma and a total emotional crisis that I had subjected myself to, and I am happy to boast about the fact that I am coming out of it pretty well, sooner and better than I had expected to.

I have known this for a fact now, that I am here for a purpose, to serve myself, and people who are important to me, and this has nothing to do with pinning a certain someone down against the wall. I wouldn't even care anymore and it feels like a heavy baggage has been unloaded from my shoulders, and now I can finally relax (although there is a certain put down feel to it still ) but I hope to overcome it soon. :)

There are people who love me, believe that I can do wonders and care about whether my smile today and tomorrow is gonna be genuine or not. And I have decided to kickstart a new phase of my existence altogether from this point on and I intend to make it big, henceforth.

Hoping I have your blessings too.

Peace
:)

Thoughts of a self proclaimed planner!

You should always make a plan- check

Your plan needs a definite prior planning - check.
It needs to look beyond the obvious - check.
It needs deliberate concentration and attention - check.
It needs to have a purpose- check.
It needs to have at least a potential of personal growth - check.
It needs to be practical - check.
It needs motivation (count food and DDR) - check.
It needs to have a hierarchy - check.
There needs to be a controlled system - check.
It needs confidence and belief - check.
There needs to be initiative (Yes, I will get the ball rolling TODAY, and not tomorrow) - check.
There needs to be a chain that will link all the plans together and keep them linked - check.
There needs to be assertiveness - check.
There needs to energy and a drive to fulfill - check.
There needs to be realism - check.
It needs to appeal to me- check.
There needs to be an advantage, if not more - check.
There needs to be what I call 'planner's hygiene' - being able to take charge - check.


And yes, there needs to be a checklist, always. Mentally at least. - check.


A plan needs nothing except a good look forward and willingness to feel the satisfaction when all the to-do's are checked. That smile is worth all the hard work you put in till the last point.


Also, you need to be a kick-ass planner for yourself to take your plans seriously.


:)

Peace!